Released in: 1959
Directed by: Les Clark, Eric Larson, and Wolfgang Reitherman,
Starring: Various Animated Royalty
Music: By George Bruns, based off of Tschaikovsky’s “Sleeping Beauty Ballet.”
Story: Written by Erdmann Penner and based off of the Charles Perrault version.
Plot: Oh, we’ll get there.
Narrator: Welcome, one and all! Behold! Disney’s Gilded Book of Truthiness!
Book of Truthiness: **opens!** **shines!**
Children Everywhere: Oooooooh….
King Stephen: Dude, a girl is awesome, but I really wish I had a son…with a mustache just as big as mine…you do see how a mustache would be unfortunate on a girl, don’t you?
His Queen: Why is it, by the way, that I don’t even get a name? I don’t even get to be “The” Queen…if I only had a name…
King Stephen: Yeah, totally not caring.
::enter the fairies::
Flora, Fuana, and Merryweather: It’s a good thing we’re old and dowdy! Otherwise, how would Disney ever contrast Maleficent’s evil sexuality with our benign goodness? Yes, it is a very fortunate coincidence that the good side doesn’t have any sexuality at all. Wonder why that is…
Narrator: Also, that whole thing with the spindle? We deny everything!
Fairies: Yes, indeed! Sex is baaaaaaad! Only marriage can control the burgeoning sexuality of…why hey, look! It’s a baby!
Flora: My gift shall be the gift of beauty! Because, you know, that’s what really counts!
Fauna: My gift shall be the gift of song! Because how would we ever test the audience’s gag reflex if you didn’t sing with all the woodland creatures?
Merryweather: My gift shall be the gift of intelli….wait, is that allowed?
Malificent: We’ll never find out! Mwahahahaaaaaaaaaa!
Audience: Gasp! OMG, do you see her horns?! Reminds me of…what’s his name…that dude in Christianity, also with the horns, and a creepy tail, and evil…wait a sec, it’ll come to me…
Malificent: My name almost sounds like magnificent! But anyway, oh yeah, death unto the baby.
Merryweather: Oh well, guess she’ll never get intelligence…too bad! I hereby temper your curse, so that you’ll only fall asleep after your symbolic sexual transgression…
Merryweather: I mean finger-pricking! Finger-pricking! Then your true love shall awake you.
Sigmund Freud: Me, I’m just watching, you know, and taking notes. I have this great idea, see, about phallic symbols…
Fairies: This scene with us is the best one in the movie. Good thing we have some personalities, because lord knows no one else does. But, you know, it’s just like Walt Disney told us…women are only allowed to be intelligent or headstrong if they have no sex appeal.
Fauna: Apropos of sex, I was just thinking. Maleficent can’t be all bad!
Others: OH YES SHE CAN!
Fauna: But wouldn’t that be too simplistic? Wouldn’t that teach children that there is no gray area? Wouldn’t that demonize headstrong, powerful women? No, no, she can’t be all bad.
Walt Disney: OH YES SHE CAN! Back, feminism, back I say!
King Stephen: I will burn all the spinning wheels!
Peasants: Yo, dude! This is the 14th century! What the hell are we supposed to do all day? How will we make a living? Didn’t you read anything about medieval society???
King Stephen: Yeah, totally not caring.
Book O’ Truthiness
Narrator: Many lonely years passed for King Stephen and his people…
People: What the hell? Who cares about the princess? Where the hell are our spinning wheels? We have no clothes, and we’re starving!!!
Narrator: …many lonely years indeed.
Maleficent: It’s incredible! Sixteen years, and not a trace of her! It is, by the way, a very lucky coincidence that all of my servants are sub-human non-humans. Otherwise I might be able to exercise some kind of sexual power, you know, and that would just send the wrong message to the kiddies.
Evil Cronies: Oh, yeah, totally!
Maleficent: You are a disgrace to the forces of evil! See these horns, people? Do these horns remind you of anyone?
Cronies: Ummmm…shoot, give us a second, it’ll come to us…
Walt Disney: This female devil woman is great! If I equate powerful females with the devil, why, young women will only want to grow up to be mindless, vapid princesses.
Audience: Ohhhhhhh! The Devil. Ha, I get it now. Gee, that was subtle! You sneaky Disney you…
Princess Aurora: Ooooh, I love housework! See as I sing while I dust! Indeed, it makes me so happy to be obedient and good!
Animals: We love you, Aurora! For indeed, you are sweet, and innocent, and good, and even though you’re wearing a corset, you’re just so demure!
Princess Aurora: Dude, I wish my pals Snow White and Cinderella were here! They loved animals too!
Animals: Gee, almost like a pattern, isn’t it?
Princess Aurora: Nah! Wait, what’s a pattern?
Prince Philip: What beautiful music!
Walt Disney: Fall in love with her voice, even before you see her!
Prince: I feel myself falling in love with her voice, even before I see her!
Walt Disney: See, this way, it’s a perfectly innocent, non-sexual love!
Prince: Ooooh, innocence! Maybe one day we’ll…*hold hands.*
Freud: Me, I’m just sitting here, taking notes…don’t mind me, won’t be a bother…
Princess Aurora: Oh, lovely fairy mothers! I am going to marry this one guy, because he sang with the animals too, and he’s also really, really ridiculously good-looking!
Fairies: Uh, no. You’re going to marry a Prince.
Princess Aurora: Oh! So sad! Oh well. I’ll go along with it. Because, you see, I am the perfect, obedient girl, and perfect girls always do what they’re told!
Parents Everywhere: We **heart** this movie!
Philip’s Dad: A peasant girl?! You’re going to marry a peasant girl?! Why Philip…you’re joking!
Philip’s Dad: You can’t do this to me!
Philip: Actually dad, you can’t do this to me! What happens if I age like you? Then no one will ever love me! I’d better get married quick, before I shrink three feet and lose all my hair… ::rides off::
Philip’s Dad: Guess I can’t argue with that.
Maleficent: Haha, I outsmart you all! Princess pricks finger on phallus….
Maleficent: Awwww, you’re cute when you censor! All right, spindle.
Maleficent: And I capture the Prince! Wow, being evil is so much fun!
Prince: You’ll never get away with this!!!
Maleficent: Awwwww, sooo cute! Don’t worry, I’ll let you go when you’re a hundred!
Prince: A hundred?!
Maleficent: Yeah after you’ve lost all sex appeal.
Disney: Shut up! Shut up I tell you!!!!
Maleficent: I mean, uh….oh really Walt, there’s no way around this one.
Disney: ::sits in a corner and grinds his teeth::
Fairies: We must rescue the Prince!
Prince: Can I has sword?
Fairies: Here you go, cutie. But you know, we’ll do all the fighting for you, really. Turning all those rocks into bubbles, all those arrows into flowers…
Disney: Wait! The man has to prove his manliness! His dominance! Women can’t do it for him!!!
Fairies: Oh yeah, we see your point. Okay, Philip: the road will be filled with many dangers! Which you alone will have to face! But uh, we’ll be sending good thoughts. And, uh, this shield of virtue, sword of truth, we’ll let you out of your chains, turn all your obstacles into flowers, show you where to throw the sword, fix your hair and makeup between scenes…
Disney: But everyone will notice! People aren’t *that* stupid, right?
Later, in theaters everywhere:
Everyone: Wow! Prince Philip is sooooo macho! Look how he defeats Maleficent all by himself with no help at all!
Disney: Really? Wow, okay…cool.
At the Battle:
Maleficent: Do I have to die in this part?
Philip: Yes, you see, it’s right here in the script
Maleficent: But you’re so…stupid….and puny! Can I just pretend to die, instead? I mean let’s face it: in real life, you’d never defeat me
Philip: I know, I’m sorry. But we have to demonize the powerful women. It’s part of Walt’s plan, you know, to set the feminists back twenty years or so by brainwashing all their children.
Maleficent: Can’t argue with historical necessity! ::dies::
Prince: I wake you with a kiss!
Princess: Wow! You’re a prince! And the man I fell in love with! Isn’t it great when you have an arranged marriage with your true love! I think I’ll be even more obedient than before! Ah, I just love happy endings.
Peasants: Wait, uh, hello? Yeah, can we have our spinning wheels back? Just…just to make some clothes? No? Oh well, we’ll just wait for Wal-Mart to open, then. I hear they have low prices!
Charles Perrault: Wait, wait! What about the second part of my story? You know, where the Prince’s mom turns out to be an ogre, and she tries to eat the Princess and her two kids? Where’s that part?
Disney: We left it off, you know, because of the children bit.
Disney: No children, no sex! Just stupid, celibate, pretty people, dancing on clouds!
Disney: I like my ending better, what do you think? Ooooh, we can add music! Music! And the Book of Truthiness! And maybe some subliminal messaging about…about telling young girls to grow up to be pretty, useless people. Yes. I love it! What do you think?
Perrault: ::faints to the ground::
Disney: Yep! Think I’ve got a keeper!
…and they all lived happily ever after…