Apparently, the *billions* of dollars earned by Tim Burton’s re-imagining of Alice in Wonderland is triggering something of a Renaissance for fairy-tale adaptations in Hollywood. A 3D, Zombie Apocalypse kind of Renaissance.

First off, a 3D Cinderella could be in the works. Disney just bought a screenplay – written by the adapter of “The Devil Wears Prada” – for a Cinderella remake. I would get upset about this, except for the fact that nothing could possibly be worse than Cinderella III: A Twist in Time.

Cinderella III: A Twist in Time

Time-Travelling Cinderella: Yes, Disney went there.

But wait! There’s more! Hansel and Gretel is also getting a 3D update! And here I might actually die, because the movie is set to be born under the all-watchful eye of…Michael Bay. Ya’ll, I deeply dislike Michael Bay. The man is a rather evil sexist, and I tend not to like rather evil sexists. What can I say? I used to be Collective Coordinator for my college’s Women’s Center. Being a sexist just ain’t cool, peeps.

But that aside, I shudder to think what Hansel and Gretel will be like as a “3D action-packed FX experience.” ::shudder:: Things can be interesting without explosions! I just know that I’m going to have nightmares about this. Hansel and Gretel meets every obsession our culture has. Vampires! Zombies! 3D FX! Explosions! Gretel washing a sports car in a bikini! APOCALYPSE!!!

Hansel and Gretel in 3D

This is the face of the apocalypse.

Am I over-reacting? Yes, but it’s what I do, and I like to play to my strengths.